


Manhandles

by rabidchild67



Category: Actor RPF, Star Trek RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, Feeding Kink, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Size Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-09
Updated: 2014-08-09
Packaged: 2018-02-12 11:14:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2107707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabidchild67/pseuds/rabidchild67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Chris has to bulk up for the third Trek movie, Zach is more than happy to enjoy the results, not to mention feeding his boyfriend is one of his favorite hobbies. But when his newly-discovered size kink leads to him letting Chris top him for the first time, Zach has to deal with a few unresolved issues of his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Manhandles

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for this prompt on the Pinto Kink Meme: http://pintokinkmeme.livejournal.com/1138.html?thread=327026#t327026 
> 
> All Hail the Kink Meme!

“OK, _so_!!”

“So?” both Chris and Zach answered in unison.

“Bob wanted me to talk to you both about certain… aesthetics… he is looking for in the film.”

Zach raised an eyebrow at Dana, one of the lower level producers on the new Trek film. Principle filming didn't start for another 5 months, and discussions of wardrobe usually didn't happen this early, nor did the two of them ever have _anything_ to do with set design, so what could this meeting really be about? “Aesthetics?” he repeated.

“Yeah, you know,” she said with a disarming smile, “he’s looking for a Kirk and Spock who are more true to the original incarnations.”

“How true?”

“I am _not_ running around half naked in a torn shirt for half of this film!” Chris quickly asserted.

Zach’s brows went up (as well as Dana’s) as he looked at his boyfriend in surprise; he didn't seem to have a problem running around shirtless in _Smokin’ Aces._

“It makes me feel so _objectified_ ” Chris whispered with obvious embarrassment, “like a piece of meat.” His right arm inched up to covering his chest protectively, a movement he deftly turned into scratching an itch on the side of his neck. Not that Zach didn’t see it for exactly what it was; he would have exclaimed, “D’aww!” but he knew Chris would kill him dead.

“No, no, that’s not going to be the case. What we’re after is the subtle contrast in body types. You know, Leonard was always so _lean_.”

“You mean skinny,” Zach added.

She made a pained face at him. “And Bill was always so… beefy.”

“You mean hefty.”

She spread her hands. “Well-muscled.”

“Zaftig.”

“ _Fat, OK, he was fat_!” Chris interrupted, suddenly shouting.

Both Zach and Dana looked at him, shocked, and poor Chris’s face turned seven shades of crimson in under two seconds. But his glare and his crossed arms told them both that he was not happy with the turn this conversation had taken. “Don’t look at me that way – I’m not gonna do it.”

“Do what?”

“I’m not gonna get fat, not for you or for anybody!” he said to Dana, then leaned toward Zach and hissed, “I told you, Zach, and you’re always making fun of me for the cleanses, but Pine men – we tend to get, you know, _bigger_. Look at my Cousin Donald.” 

Zach didn’t want to point out that said cousin was on Chris’s mom’s side of the family, but Chris’s mouth was making that turned-down, scrunchy shape that made him look exactly like an intractable 4-year old, and there was usually no arguing with him once he got like this. “Well, surely they don’t mean for you to become _overweight,_ babe. Just… bulked up.”

Dana nodded vigorously, pointing at Zach. “Just 35 pounds or so,” she said soothingly.

“ _35 POUNDS?!_ ” Chris thundered. “Nuh-uh! No way!”

“Chris, come on,” Dana soothed.

“That does seem excessive, Dana,” Zach said, hoping to gain points with his boyfriend. “How about 30 pounds?”

“25!” Chris insisted. 

Dana didn't look happy about having to compromise – and neither did Chris for what it was worth – but at least they had an agreement. And Chris insisted they shake on it.

They were just about to leave when Zach said, “Come on, it can’t be all bad, Chris – think of all the baked burrata you can eat.” 

 

**Ten Weeks Later**

Zach looked up as Chris came through the front door, the usual hail of dog claws greeting him in the foyer. He looked exhausted.

“How’d the workout go?” Zach asked.

Chris rolled his eyes. “This trainer’s going to be the end of me. The only thing this regimen’s got going for it is it’s short. I am aching all over.”

Zach rose and went to him. “Oh, my poor baby,” he said, hooking one of his arms through Chris’s to walk him through to the kitchen. As his hands rested on Chris’s biceps, he couldn't resist a squeeze. “It’s working, though.” 

“Aw, come on,” Chris said, face reddening as he pulled away, never comfortable with a compliment. He headed for the back stairs and a shower. 

Zach followed after a minute or so, not wanting to be too obvious about the fact he was openly ogling Chris’s body. The new regime had done wonders for Chris; not only did he have more muscle definition like, _everywhere_ , but the added weight had increased the size of key muscle groups. By the time Zach arrived in their bedroom, Chris had stripped down to his briefs, but instead of heading for the bathroom stood, regarding a pile of cardboard boxes marked “Study” that sat against the wall. Zach had moved into Chris’s the week before – he was still renting out his own place and it didn’t make sense for him to find a temporary apartment during shooting – but some of the boxes had still not been unpacked.

“What are these doing here?” Chris mused aloud – the study was on the first floor.

“They’re just books and things,” Zach said sheepishly; he rarely moved anywhere where he couldn’t have at least two things with him: his kids and his cookbooks. Somehow during the delivery of his stuff, the movers had mistakenly thought the study was upstairs and had gone before Zach noticed the mix-up. Now there were four mostly-full boxes of books – he’d liberated the ones he used more often – sitting stacked atop each other waiting to go downstairs. He hadn’t had the time to move them yet – or to make that many trips up and down the stairs.

“Can we move ‘em now?”

“You’re about to take a shower.”

Chris shrugged. “I’m already all sweaty.” 

He crouched down and dead-lifted all four boxes at once, and Zach had never truly appreciated the maxim, “lift with your legs” more than at that moment.

“Oops, I think I bit off more than I could chew,” Chris’s muffled voice said from behind the topmost box – he would not be able to carry all four boxes and see where he was going. “Think you could grab this top one?”

“Thighs!” Zach spat out before he could control himself; he grabbed the top box. “I mean, you sure you can carry all those at once?”

“They’re not that heavy, though they’re bulky. You want ‘em in the study?”

“Kitchen, actually – they’re my cookbooks.”

“Cool,” Chris said before he and his back muscles and glutes disappeared down the stairs, Zach following with a rapidly drying-out mouth. The sight of the bunching of Chris’s shoulders as he juggled the boxes for a steadier grip at the bottom of the stairs almost sent Zach headlong down them. He cleared his throat and concentrated on the task at hand. 

“Thanks, I don’t know why I haven’t brought these down here before now, ha-ha,” Zach babbled as he dropped the one box he was carrying atop the others where Chris had placed them on the floor. The kitchen had a number of built-in shelves for just such a thing, but Chris’s collection of cookbooks was comprised of Grandma Pine’s battered old copy of _The Joy of Cooking_ , and a still-unopened set of Julia Child’s _Mastering the Art of French Cooking_ that Chris had given him after they’d seen _Julie and Julia._

“We’re both busy,” Chris said with a shrug. “Ooo, they’re a little dusty, aren’t they?” He tried to wipe of something from his left pec. Zach stood there, transfixed as the muscle danced beneath Chris’s fingers. “I should just go shower.” He hooked a thumb over his shoulder, indicating the stairs they’d just come down.

He was up the stairs with the water running before Zach found his voice, “Yeah. Shower.”

\----

Here’s a shot of beefy!Chris in his underwear:  


\----

“Something smells super good!” Chris rubbed the palms of his hands together as he entered the kitchen, hair still damp from the shower. He was barefoot and wearing an old pair of olive green cargo pants from his college days – not a lot of his pants fit him comfortably anymore – and that damn white Henley that Zach could never stop touching. With his newly sculpted shape, the shirt pulled tightly across his chest, making it look like a pair of puppies were wrestling under there whenever he moved. 

“Holy sweater meats,” Zach muttered before turning his attention back to the stove.

“Hmm?”

“Hope you’re hungry.”

“I’m always hungry.” Chris walked over to the counter to open the bottle of red that stood there.

Zach smiled. “Good, because tonight it’s chicken parmesan, whole wheat spaghetti carbonara, sautéed rapini, and garlic bread.” 

“Is that _all_?” Chris said, suddenly right behind Zach with two glasses. He set them down, then snaked his right arm around Zach’s waist, lifting him off the floor as he turned him to hug him close. “My boyfriend spoils me,” he murmured happily against Zach’s neck.

Zach could feel his own pulse thrumming beneath the skin as his feet touched the floor again. “Don’t do that again,” he said, breathless.

“No?” Chris frowned.

“Not when I’m in front of the stove,” Zach said, his voice breaking like he was thirteen and his voice was changing. He cleared his throat and accepted a glass of wine.

Zach didn't know what to make of his sudden infatuation with Chris’s bulked-up physique. Every time Chris picked up anything larger than a loaf of bread made him weak-kneed, every glimpse of his well-muscled shoulders made him half-hard in under two seconds. Chris’s strength was something Zach noticed as well. His performance with the boxes of books was only the latest in a long string of things Zach had been asking him to lift lately, a fact that did not make him feel proud, even if the sight went straight to Zach’s dick.

Later when they sat down to dinner, Zach watched Chris eat as he had done countless times before, only lately it had become one of his favorite parts of the day. No one he knew took as much obvious joy in food as his boyfriend, who made enthusiastic yummy noises as he ate, and complimented Zach’s cooking every time. Zach smiled indulgently, watching Chris mop up some sauce with his bread.

“Hey, aren’t you having any pasta?” Chris asked, noticing Zach’s plate. On it was a helping of the rapini, a piece of chicken (unbreaded, no cheese), and a mound of salad. 

“No carbs! I still have to lose another five pounds,” Zach said. He’d been working nearly as hard as Chris at getting into the kind of shape Bob wanted him for the movie, only his time was spent doing a lot more yoga and a lot less bulking up. He liked the results he saw in the mirror, if not the means.

“Hardly seems fair,” Chris said, genuinely bummed out.

Zach shrugged and took a sip of his wine. “I’d rather drink than have pasta. You want some more?”

Chris looked down at his empty plate like he couldn’t remember how it had gotten that way, then at Zach’s plate. “No?”

Zach grinned and went to fetch the bowl of pasta from the counter. “You don’t have to hold back on my account, babe, you need the calories.”

“You like fattening me up,” Chris chided, craning his head back to look at Zach.

Zach leaned over and kissed him, not hating the flavor of cheese and bacon and garlic on his lips, and finding that he didn’t disagree. “I like cooking, you like eating – everyone wins.” And as he watched Chris’s biceps flex through the thin cotton of the Henley as he raised his wine glass, Zach couldn’t agree more.

\----

A few hours later, Zach entered their bedroom to find Chris sitting up in bed, shirtless and reading an old, battered copy of _A Confederacy of Dunces._ The paperback seemed so small in his large hands, and the way his biceps bunched as he held it up in front of his face, his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth… it all added up to one of the most charming things Zach had ever seen.

“What?” Chris asked, noticing Zach staring. 

Zach just smiled.

“What?” Chris repeated, lowering the book into his lap and frowning.

“Nothing, I just... I love you,” Zach blurted.

Chris beamed happily. It wasn’t the first time Zach had said it, nor would it be the last, but he knew he’d gained points by saying it – especially half an hour later, once Zach slipped into bed beside Chris after his shower, and began to run his foot up and down Chris’s leg.

“Cold feet,” Chris said, playing at flinching away.

“Warm them up for me?”

Chris made a show of thinking about it before depositing his book and glasses on the nightstand and turning to take Zach into his arms. 

Zach let himself fall down into the pillows, his head cradled by one of Chris’s hands, and sighed as he opened his mouth to Chris’s seeking tongue. Unconsciously, he raised his hands, resting them on Chris’s bare pecs; they were _massive_ against his hands, hard muscle beneath soft, smooth skin. He spread his fingers and tweaked a nipple between thumb and forefinger, causing Chris to shiver and moan into his mouth. When Zach ran blunted fingernails over Chris’s chest, he shivered again and cursed, retaliating by biting Zach’s lower lip gently. 

Zach laughed and shimmied a bit to his right, to get more comfortable. Chris eased his weight back onto his knees to give Zach room, all the while maintaining their kiss. When Zach had settled, Chris slid his arms around Zach’s back, lifting him easily. 

For a few, heady seconds, Zach’s upper body was wholly suspended several inches above the bed, entirely held up by Chris’s arms alone. “Oh my God!” he moaned into Chris’s mouth as he slipped his arms around his shoulders to hang on, and it was his turn to shiver, a full-body shudder that rattled his teeth in his head and made him ache with want. 

When Chris eased him back down to the bed, Zach spread his legs open wide, their pelvises cradled together as Zach clung to Chris with his knees. Chris rested his arms beside Zach’s head then, and trailed a line of kisses down his jaw and throat. Zach had never before felt so surrounded by his lover, so outmatched in strength and size. It ought to have disconcerted him; it definitely should not have made him feel _this_ turned on, not now or ever. But he was rock hard in his briefs, and as Chris’s bulk settled even more comfortably atop him, he never wanted it to end.

“I want you so badly,” he breathed into Chris’s ear.

“I dunno, babe, I’m really full after all that pasta. Don’t think it’s a good idea if you got on top of me right now, I might hurl.”

Zach reached up and rested his hand on Chris’s cheek. “No, you don’t understand. I want you inside me. Fuck me, Chris. Please fuck me.”

“What?” Chris’s eyes focused on Zach’s, astonished.

“I want you to fuck me,” Zach said breathlessly.

“Was that a unicorn that just galloped by?”

“Shut up, you’ve topped me before.”

“Nuh-uh, no, you barely let me rim you. Why the sudden change?”

Zach fought the urge to look away and lost. “Can’t we switch things up sometimes?”

Chris just stared. Zach had always flat-out refused the few times Chris had asked to let him screw him before, but tonight – he had never wanted it so badly before tonight. He wasn’t sure what that said about him, or what it meant about the dynamics of their relationship, but he didn’t want to think about that now.

“Look, do you want to or not?”

“I would be honored to take your maidenhead, Zachary.”

“Shut up, I’m no virgin.” But Zach could feel his own face coloring.

“You could’ve fooled me,” Chris replied, his words sharp but not his tone. With his usual affable grin, he slithered down Zach’s body to mouth at Zach’s semi-hard cock through his briefs, his breath almost unbearably hot. He pulled the waistband down with his fingers, slowly, like he was unwrapping a present, looking up at Zach as if for permission, and biting his bottom lip when the head popped out into the cool air of their bedroom. 

“God, yeah,” Zach moaned as Chris played at sucking the head for a few moments, pressing wet, open-mouthed kisses there before finally taking it fully into his mouth. His two forefingers reached in to free it for better access. Finally, all at once Chris swallowed it down, his lips and nose buried in Zach’s bush for the briefest second before he pulled back off and repeated the move. Zach moaned again at the impossible heat.

Chris pulled off a moment later, pulling Zach’s briefs down to mid-thigh to give himself better access. He sucked first one, then the other of Zach’s balls into his mouth, rolling them on his tongue with practiced gentleness as he reached down to palm his own erection through the dark cotton of his underwear.

He then spat on Zach’s cock to provide better lubrication, slowly jacking him with his left hand as he spat again, and this time he collected the moisture on his fingers of his right hand, angling his hand downwards, pushing Zach’s cheeks apart as he sought what he was looking for. 

Chris pet at Zach’s hole with his middle finger gently, as if requesting entrance. Zach was about to make a joke about it when Chris buried his head down there, tongue pressing in, lightly at first, and not very easily – Zach’s ability to spread his legs was hindered by the underwear that stretched across his thighs – but he couldn’t fault Chris for trying. He moaned in pleasure as Chris’s finger pressed past the ring of muscle and eased his hips off the bed, trying to help the process along. Grinning up at him, Chris went back to lazily mouthing at Zach’s cock and balls as he worked his finger inside. 

Zach let his head drop back onto the bed as Chris worked him open, the pleasure of Chris’s mouth on him more than offsetting the discomfort of the addition of a second fingertip inside his ass. A minute later, Chris moved back up his body, pressing light, sucking kisses as he moved, setting Zach’s skin on fire with the sensation of it and distracting him further. By the time his lips met Zach’s again, Zach was fully relaxed, and Chris had managed to fit both fingers in to the second knuckle. 

“Relax, we’ll get there,” Chris purred, removing his fingers and petting at Zach’s hole again.

“Mmm,” Zach replied, whining impatiently. 

Chris grinned as he separated from him briefly to retrieve a condom and, to Zach’s relief, a bottle of lube from the nightstand. “That better?” he asked as a very slick middle finger was reinserted nearly to the hilt and Zach nodded. Smiling, Chris kissed him again.

They made out for several minutes more, until Zach’s hole had relaxed and Chris was able to scissor his two fingers inside him, opening him still more.

“You ready for me?” Chris asked. Zach nodded. “Yeah, I can feel it, you’re so open and relaxed.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Chris sat back then, opening the condom packet with his teeth and rolling it on. Zach adjusted his lower body, reaching to push down the underwear that still encumbered his legs, but Chris batted his hands away. He used his big hands to press Zach’s thighs up against his chest, far enough that Zach’s ass lifted slightly from the bed, and used the underwear as leverage to keep Zach in that position. Finally, he lined his dick up against Zach’s hole.

This was an entirely strange and new thing for Zach, but that did not diminish his excitement. Watching Chris concentrate from this angle was fascinating, his muscles bunching just beneath his skin as he positioned Zach the way he wanted him. And when the head of Chris’s cock finally breached him – Zach sucked in a breath and closed his eyes, willing his body to relax.

“Ah, God, you’re so hot,” Chris said, petting Zach’s sides soothingly, his tone encouraging. “So hot for me, God, Zach, I love this so much.”

Zach may have moaned encouragingly, though it was difficult to do so while holding his breath through the growing burn of accommodating Chris’s thick cock. 

“You OK, baby? Stay with me,” Chris said. Zach opened his eyes to find his love hovering over him, concern in his blue eyes. “We can stop if it’s too much for you.”

“No. No, I want this, I want you,” Zach said in a voice that sounded more like a nasal whine than Zach intended. 

“I love you,” Chris said with a smile, and leaned closer, his great hands surrounding Zach’s face as he kissed him again. The shift in position put pressure against Zach’s prostate, and his vision whited out for a moment as a bolt of pure pleasure shot up his spine. He may have whimpered.

Chris chuckled lovingly and sat back, easing off a bit and allowing Zach’s body to adjust. He then pulled his dick out slowly, nearly as slowly as it had entered Zach’s body, then waited a beat. “How’s that – OK?” he asked.

“I, um, I guess?” Zach said, unsure.

“We’ll take it slow. Try bearing down this time, OK?”

Zach nodded and closed his eyes as Chris pressed his cock back in slowly, concentrating on bearing down, and it did make it easier. 

“Look at you taking all of me, Christ,” Chris breathed moments later as he bottomed out. 

Zach ran two fingertips through the pre-come that had leaked out and formed a small pool on his stomach and placed them in his mouth. “I’ve always been an overachiever.”

Chris laughed again, then grabbed Zach’s underwear where it still bound him mid-thigh and pulled on it, rocking Zach’s body down and getting his dick that much deeper into Zach’s body. Zach cried out in surprised pleasure, “Ah, what the _fuck_?!” 

“You like that?”

Zach liked the view of Chris’s biceps bulging as he pulled more than the pleasure of being filled so totally. “Do it again.”

Chris pulled Zach to him as he thrust into him shallowly, and the penetration was so deep Zach gasped, “Harder. God, more, please.”

Chris obliged, pulling out more and more on each thrust as he established a rhythm. The sight of him, veins standing out against his rippling muscles as he hauled on those damn Calvin Kleins, throat and shoulders and chest flushed dark pink with his arousal, was nearly too much for Zach. And when Chris moved one hand over to jack at Zach’s cock, he nearly shot his load right then and there.

“Whoa, come on, I’m not gonna last that long if you do that,” he said.

“’kay,” Chris said, concentration and thought creasing his forehead. Zach barely had time to wonder what he intended to do before Chris was easing out of Zach’s body and sitting back on his heels. He removed Zach’s underwear at last and tossed them to the floor, then scooted over so that he was positioned to Zach’s right. Placing a hand on Zach’s hip, he pushed on it. Zach got the idea and started to turn over, but with a hand on each hip and then between his shoulder blades, Chris manhandled Zach into the position he wanted: ass in the air and his head and shoulders lying on the bed. Zach turned his head so he could watch, though he was sure he’d have a stiff neck in the morning.

Chris applied a bit more lube before lining his dick up and easing it into Zach once more. Whether it was because he was already loose, the position, or a combination of the two, Zach was better able to accommodate him this time. 

“This is the part where you usually slap me on my ass,” Chris pointed out.

“But you _like_ me slapping your ass.”

“True.”

Zach braced for a slap that never came while Chris inched closer to him on his knees and finally began to thrust into him. Establishing a rhythm in this position was a bit easier, especially when Chris held onto Zach’s hips with both hands, pulling Zach onto his dick at the same time he was thrusting forward. A moment later, he was surprised to realize he was rocking back to meet Chris’s thrusts all by himself. 

Zach could feel his pleasure growing. His dick, dangling between his legs and dripping, was in need of attention, so he tried to raise himself up on his forearms to get to it. Once again, Chris prevented him, swiping his arm away with a gentle slap.

“Your pleasure’s my responsibility tonight,” he said, his voice suddenly at Zach’s ear as he hunched forward over Zach’s back. He took both of Zach’s wrists and held them together on the bed beneath his chest, his weight, and arms, and body pinning Zach in place as Chris continued to fuck into him. Ordinarily, such restraint would have made Zach uneasy – but he felt completely safe in Chris’s arms and he curled his head down in an attempt to kiss any portion of Chris’s skin that he could reach.

Chris responded by placing kisses between Zach’s shoulder blades, on his neck, behind his ear, all the while rocking his dick in a steady rhythm inside Zach’s hole. The sensations – the pleasure – of being completely enveloped within the shelter of Chris’s body like this almost made Zach forget where he was. 

“So close,” Chris breathed into Zach’s ear, bringing him back to reality.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah – you?”

“I could be – maybe?” Zach agreed, though in truth he could have gone on a lot longer like this.

“We can take care of that,” Chris said with a deep, contented grunt as he leaned back on his knees slightly, easing up the weight on Zach’s body. Zach would be lying if he didn't feel disappointment at the lack of closeness, but then Chris took his dick in hand and began to stroke him, hard and fast like he knew Zach liked it. Zach threw his head back, resting it against Chris’s shoulder and neck, mouth open to cry out as Chris brought him closer and closer. As the first hot splashes of his own come arced from his body, his cries were swallowed by Chris’s kiss as he clamped his mouth over Zach’s, thrusting into him again and again until he came himself and they fell down to the bed in a tangle of sweaty limbs.

\----

Zach was still panting slightly when Chris gently turned him over to lie on his back. His open mouth was met by a kiss so sweet, so gentle he nearly cried out for more. “Oh my God, I have never –“ he began to say when Chris pulled away to hover over him like a mother hen, cleaning him up with the sheet before removing the condom and depositing them both on the floor beside the bed. 

“Never what?” Chris asked, settling beside him, propped up on an elbow and brushing Zach’s sweaty hair off his forehead.

“Never thought I would enjoy being so thoroughly fucked.”

Chris nuzzled his face beside Zach’s, his lips close to his ear as he murmured, “It has its merits.”

“I honestly never saw the appeal before, never understood why anyone would want to take it like that.”

“What do you mean, ‘take it’?”

“Well, you know, take it-take it. Like, _take it_ like a –“ Zach pressed his lips together and stopped talking as Chris’s entire body stiffened beside him. 

“Like a what?” Chris asked, his voice suddenly as cold as stone. A flash in his blue eyes alerted Zach to the fact his comments weren't necessarily being heard in the way he was meaning them. Or maybe that he hadn’t really thought his point through. Or… “Like a bitch?”

“No,” Zach said too fast.

“Wow.” Chris sat up abruptly and got out of the bed.

“No!” Zach asserted, desperate to take them back, words said in a moment of… what, weakness? Not exactly. Thoughtlessness was more like it. He sat up to look at Chris more clearly, and his face – his face looked positively _heartbroken_.

“You know, I bottom because I like it, not because… because of some character flaw, Zach.” 

“I never said that.”

“But you were thinking it. Do –“ he took a deep breath, “do you think that about all your partners?”

Zach’s immediate reaction was to deny it, but did he? Did he truly? 

“Being on the receiving end doesn’t mean a person is weak, it doesn’t mean he’s…” Chris’s voice was suddenly filled with such strong emotion, and Zach was left blinking up at him stupidly and wondering how they’d ended up here. 

“I don’t think you’re weak – you’re anything but weak. Look at the way you were throwing me around before.”

“And that’s another thing. Do you think I haven’t noticed the way you’re looking at me lately? The way your mouth practically waters when I pick up a box of cereal? I know I’ve been working out, but I’ve always been this strong – you’ve just never noticed it before. I think you just let certain assumptions about me color your perception of me.” 

“I don’t. I swear I don’t.” 

“Don’t mistake what I like in bed for me being a… a… a pushover or whatever.” Chris began to search around the room for his underwear, picking up and discarding three different items before finally finding them. “Don’t think that just because I go along most of the time I don’t have my own opinions or I won’t express them when I feel them very strongly.”

“You’re making that pretty fucking clear, Chris.”

“Am I?”

Zach stared at him for a beat before saying, “I love you,” like the coward he was. 

Chris sighed. “Saying you love me doesn’t change what you said. What you think.”

The knowledge that he was responsible for putting the hurt he was seeing into Chris’s eyes nearly undid Zach. “You’re right.” He got up from the bed and walked to where Chris stood in the middle of the room. He held a hand out as if he was trying to calm one of the dogs during a thunderstorm. “What I said was wrong and I’m an asshole and I’m sorry.”

“You’re not superior to anyone. You know that?” Chris said, seemingly running out of steam. “Do you know that, Zach?”

He left the room before Zach could formulate an answer.

\----

It was hours later that Zach emerged from the bedroom, having judged that they’d both stewed enough. He’d gone through the usual range of emotions, from anger to blame and circled right back to guilt, and had come to the conclusion that he had a lot of explaining and apologizing to do. 

He found Chris sitting on a chaise by the pool, still in his underwear, but with one of Zach’s hoodies on. A hoodie that was now pretty much stretched out beyond recovery, as he had it stretched over his knees, which he hugged to his chest. He was staring into the water, his eyes the only visible part of his face. 

“Hey,” Zach said, resting his hand atop Chris’s hair. He took the fact that Chris didn't flinch away as a good sign.

“Hey,” Chris said, looking up at him and then going back to looking at the water. 

“Can I sit down?” He indicated the chaise, and Chris pulled his feet in closer to himself, making room. Zach sat on it sideways, his butt covering Chris’s toes; they were ice cold. 

“Did I overreact?” Chris asked after a minute.

“No, this one’s all on me. Let me begin by apologizing again, and pledging to do anything and everything I can to show you how sorry I am that I hurt you. What I said was insensitive and inexcusable.”

“Is it how you really feel, though?” 

He looked Chris in the eyes. “It’s not, it’s really not.” He paused, thinking for a long moment. “But it’s how I think.”

“I don’t understand.”

Zach sighed and looked away, picking at a piece of lint on his sleep pants. “It’s about conditioning, I guess? When I was growing up, there was this other gay kid in school, and he was… well, he was a lot more, shall we say _flamboyant_ than me. And he just became this magnet for all the bullying and abuse that teenage boys could dish out. Not a day went by that he wasn’t called ‘sissy’ or ‘fag’ or ‘girl’ or worse things than that. I knew I was like him, and I wanted nothing more in the entire world than to never, ever be lumped in with him. So I said nothing, and even if I didn't contribute to the bullying, I didn't exactly make the kid’s life any easier.”

Zach glanced at Chris, who watched him with quiet interest.

“Combine that fear with twelve years of Catholic school and being taught that being gay was an abomination – well, I hope you get the idea that a certain amount of self-hate kind of gets bound up in your psyche.”

“I’m so sorry,” Chris said, resting a large, warm hand on Zach’s shoulder. “That had to be horrible.”

“It was, and it took a lot of therapy for me to get past it. But all of that hasn’t seemed – apparently – to have rid me of the stigma, of thinking that the act of being on the receiving end during sex is still, I dunno, conflated with the concept of weakness, of being somehow…” his voice trailed off.

“Of being less than manly?”

“Of being a fag,” Zach corrected, as Chris flinched at the slur. He laughed without humor. “It’s funny, I am out and I am proud and I have gone to Pride with that word scrawled across my chest in red lipstick, but when it gets right down to it…” He shook his head, unable to finish the sentence.

“You’re still that scared kid trying to survive high school. I get it.”

“Thank you for your understanding, but you shouldn’t have to. I’m supposed to know better, I’m supposed to be past that.” Chris’s hand was rubbing comforting little circles on his back. “I’m not supposed to let it hurt the person I love.”

Chris straightened his legs out on either side of Zach’s body and scooted closer to him, straddling him sideways. He put his arms around Zach’s shoulders and pulled him closer. Zach rested his head on Chris’s chest and put his arms around his waist; it was an awkward position, but strangely comforting. 

When Chris spoke, Zach could feel his throat working. “You did hurt me, but I understand why, and I don’t hold it against you. I can’t.”

“You’re letting me off the hook way too easily. If I’d have just thought before speaking –“

“I can forgive you,” Chris interrupted him. “Can you forgive yourself?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Not really, no.”

“Maybe I need an appointment with my shrink.”

“If you think it’ll help. Meanwhile, maybe I can help you feel a little better.” Chris moved his hand to trace a long line down Zach’s body, resting it on his thigh, a hand’s breadth from his crotch.

“Oh yeah?” Zach asked, his dick twitching with interest.

“Yeah,” Chris said, drawing the syllable out. “I know exactly what you need, baby, and where you can get it.”

“Mmmm,” Zach moaned, closing his eyes and angling his head back for a kiss, which Chris delivered, slowly and softly. A moment later, he was on his feet and Zach fell sideways onto the chaise. “Hey!”

But Chris was laughing, and already heading for the door into the kitchen, the cheeks of his ass bouncing out of his briefs. He paused with his hand on the handle and held a finger up like a cartoon professor. “Carbs cure all. I’ll reheat that pasta if you make more of that terrific garlic bread!”

Zach chuckled and rose, shaking his head. “Fine, deal!”

Chris grinned and bounded back into the house, and if Zach wasn’t mistaken, he was clenching his ass muscles like that _on purpose_.

\----

Thank you for your time.


End file.
